5 Things I Ate in 2015

At the beginning of the 2015, my New Year’s resolution was to eat more boldly. I think I did pretty well! Here are five highlights:

1. Shrimp Skimpy

shrimp skimpyAt first I thought this was kind of underwhelming, but then I was told it was the result of a collaboration between Wylie Dufresne and Long John John Silver’s, so I felt obligated to call it a genius madcap collision between high and low brow aesthetics.

2. Monte Crisco Sandwich

monte criscoThe great debate of our times may be whether butter or Crisco makes a better sandwich filling. I’m here to tell you now: Crisco all the way!

3. Guy Fieri’s Guy-bizan Nachos

guybizan nachosOne thing that’s true about Guy Fieri’s cooking is that it comes from the heart and is a reflection of the many deep and profound experiences he’s had. So in the same way that his Guy-talian Nachos are a paean to the time he and Silvio Berlusconi got schwasted together on tequila at Señor Frog’s, Guy’s latest creation, the border-smashing Guy-bizan Nachos, are a tribute to a youth spent off his rocker on uppers, downers, and candy corn inside a club shaped like a sombrero.

4. Seizure Salad

salad seizureOops, probably should have warned you about this one. *writhes uncontrollably*

5. Pilkshake

pilkshakeI tell people that I’m a freelance food writer, but that’s really just to cover up the top-secret nature of my real job: as a researcher for Monsanto, doing field work in the outer edges of not-quite-Bushwick to discover indie food trends before they hit Tumblr so that corporate America can get a head start on co-opting them. One of my super top-secret projects was to uncover the next big thing in milk. I can tell you now that it’s going to be pilk—that’s pig’s milk, which tastes like regular milk, but with notes of ghost ectoplasm and boar taint. My favorite way to enjoy pilk would definitely be in a creamy and del-oink-ful pilkshake.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.