Cuteness: Baby chicks are adorable and fluffy, sure, but it’s all downhill from there. I mean, when I see a full grown hen or rooster, my first thought isn’t “I want to hug you and kiss you and never let go!” It’s “you smell like shit and if you didn’t have feathers I’d probably think you were an ugly, small dinosaur made from leftover pieces of ballsack.” Two out of five stale Peeps.
Deliciousness: Chicken is the whitest of the white meats and sometimes that means white in the Taylor Swift sort of way: likeable, but ultimately bland as fuck. Also that dried-out diced breast meat that comes in a bag is an insult to everyone’s supermarket intelligence. But think of all the things that you CAN do to chicken: chicken Kiev, food court kung pao, and, of course, that marvel of disembodiment: chicken nugz. Major points for versatility. Four out of five birds with surplus appendages.
Cuteness: I guess that when I see ducks in the park they do a good enough job of being all squat and waddle-y that I feel compelled to toss them a few crumbs of my panettone (because I always carry a panettone with me). And seeing a line of baby ducks follow their ma is enough to make me squee like an idiot. But that annoying Aflac mascot does kind of ruin it for the whole species. Three out of five Donalds.
Deliciousness: Hot damn, duck is delicious. I mean, I’ve screwed up confit and cassoulet before and those were still 9999999 times better than most of the things that come out of my kitchen. And foie gras? Sometimes torture tastes so good. Five out of five jars of rendered fat that I will have injected into my face.
Cuteness: Goats are adorbs in their own special way. Like, if you were to transpose the proportions of a goat’s face on to a human’s, it would be ugly as hell. But those buggy eyes and thin, mean lips are hard not to love when they’re scarfing pellets out of your hand. Oh, and the sound of goats screaming never ceases to warm my clogged heart. Four out of five unfashionably pointy beards.
Deliciousness: What do I have to do to get goat to be the new beef? Seriously, America, THIS should be your go-to red meat. Four out of five roasting carcasses on a spit.
Cuteness: Meh. No one ever took “looking like a cow” as a compliment. One out of five Gateway desktops.
Deliciousness: Is it just me or is beef kind of overrated? Sure, there are some brilliant bits—braised short ribs, brisket—but then I’ve also had my share of totally underwhelming, dried out steaks. Also, if any of my recent experiences at Shake Shack are any indication, only Europeans still eat hype burgers. Three out of five little old ladies screaming at oversized novelty buns.
Cuteness: Yeah, I’ve seen the movie Babe. I even was mildly obsessed with the book Charlotte’s Web as a kid. Neither did anything to make me swoon over piglets, though. When I see a swine, my first thought is not “aww, look at that chubby little belly,” but “MMMM. PROSCIUTTO.” Two out of five webs spun by spiders with an inexplicable command of the English language.
Deliciousness: On it’s own, pork may not be the most amazing meat—your typical loin chop makes for a fine, if unremarkable dinner. But sort of in the same way that pickles weren’t very interesting until hipsters got their hands on them, pork isn’t very interesting until charcuterists (charcuterors? charcuterrorists?) do salty things to it: ham, bacon, salami, chorizo, and on and on. Curing is what makes pork the champion of all meats. Five out of five hot sausage parties.
Cuteness: This is a true fact: Watership Down played a big role in my early sexual awareness. As a result, whenever I see someone with a pet rabbit, I’m like, “Why did you bring a perverse sex maniac into your home? Are you crazy? Not so much cute as terrifyingly kinky. Two out of five Gloria Steinems donning bunny ears and a tail.
Deliciousness: Rabbit could be the new chicken. Rabbit should be the new chicken: it’s light, it’s mild, and luckily, rabbits are plentiful and abundant (see above). I’m gonna start a mini fried rabbit sandwich empire and call it Rabbits Fuk-u+. It’s gonna be huuuuuuge. Three out of five Audi commercials featuring everyone’s favorite chef bro doing some really shitty acting.
Cuteness: Fluffy-wufffy sweaters. Puppets. Silences. Lamb has got the cuteness category pwned. Five out of five Gwen Stefani-designed pairs of vinyl capri pants.
Deliciousness: What does winning the lottery while meeting your first celebrity crush while skipping in a meadow while picking a scab taste like? Lamb, I tell you, only lamb. Five out of five Xi’an Famous face salads.